“Purr-fect!”
I don’t know what’s “perfect” about being my age, but that’s what the clinic receptionist said to me when she asked how old I am.
“Purr-fect!” she said sweetly.
Well, to be sure, perfect is better than dead, but it would have made more sense if she’d said nothing, or maybe, “You’re that old?” or “Gee, sorry to hear that.” Or, “How awful!”
These days, it’s not just my age that’s “purr-fect.” It’s my Social Security number, my address, my phone number, my shoe size and just about everything else I tell to a clerk or phone voice when doing any kind of business.
“Can I put you on hold for a minute?”
“OK,” I say.
“Purr-fect!”
It doesn’t bother me too much, although I think it’s a stretch to call so many things “purr-fect.” It’s like describing everything as “amazing” or “awesome.”
Language is a living cultural tool, always changing. Our supple, vigorous English language is undergoing changes, as we speak, but I wish more of these changes were a bit more “purr-fect.” Some, sad to say, are downright lamentable. I think rapid-sloppy texting and emailing by so many of us have quickly begun to erode our language: misspellings, incorrect punctuation, grammatical sloppiness.
Here are just some of them:
- A constant over-use of the words “community” and “opportunity.” Some press releases and speeches are riddled with those two words, sometimes five and six times within one small paragraph. Is there anything more snore-inducing than a speech that starts with: “I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the community for . . . ” What’s wrong with the words “city” or “chance?” I recently came across this bloated sentence: “We should have a community conversation about the opportunity for raising awareness of our educational environment.” I think that writer was trying to state, “Let’s improve our schools.”
- People preceding comments or sentences with “Honestly, . . .” or “To be honest, . . .” Usually, honesty or lack of it has nothing to do with what they’re saying or writing. For example: “Honestly, the weather is so cold today” or “To be honest, there’s no coffee left in the machine.” Best leave those words for the church confessional or to admit a bad decision: “Yes, to be honest, father, I did chop down that cherry tree.”
- In recent months, I’ve noticed so many people introduce explanations with the word “So.” Ask somebody where they were born. You’ll often hear, “So (slight pause here) I was born in Maple Lake.” Ask for menu choices. “So (slight pause) the special today is prime rib.”
- Why are more people saying “tore” for “tour?” At first I assumed this was what’s known as a “regionalism,” the way Southerners, say, pronounce words differently from their Northern cousins. However, the use of “tore” for “tour” has reached epidemic levels, especially among TV news people. Example: “During their ‘tore’ of Italy, ‘torists’ will be ‘toring’ all the churches in Rome.” A variation of this is people saying “shore” for “sure.” Arrgh!
- The slap-crazed mismanagement of the good old English apostrophe continues unabated, worse than ever, with people putting an apostrophe where it doesn’t belong and not putting it where it does belong. Three examples, both incorrect: “The shirt’s are expensive.” “The three dogs food dishes are empty.” When will people learn that apostrophes are not seasonings, like salt and pepper, to be sprinkled at whim, willy-nilly? The incorrect usage of commas is just as bad.
- Along with misplaced apostrophes and commas, the gaucherie that really drives me up a wall is the idiotic disregard for irregular past participles. Some say or write: “We have ate.” “He has ran that race before.” “The city has broke ground for a library.” Political news commentator Chris Matthews, who has his own TV show, is notorious for mangling past participles. He is a published author, and I can only hope he has an adept proofreader to catch and correct those ear-grating mistakes.
I’m always somewhat reluctant to write about language issues because to do so often brings charges of snobbery or elitism. Nobody’s perfect when it comes to language, not even English majors, but in my opinion everybody who speaks and writes English should care enough about our wonderful language to try to use it well – as accurately as possible. Slack, sloppy usage, after all, leads to slack, sloppy communications.
