by Dennis Dalman
A harrowing, tragic day in Cold Spring (Sept. 24, 2003) was a life-changing day for Jerry Sparby because since then he has dedicated much of his life trying to prevent violence in schools.
On that traumatic day, Sparby was the principal of Cold Spring Elementary School. A teenage student named Jason McLaughlin took a gun to Rocori High School and shot to death Aaron Rollins, 17; and wounded another boy, Seth Bartell, 14. Bartell, who had been put on life support, died of his wounds two weeks later in the hospital.
Right after hearing gunshots that day, a teacher ran into the hallway and yelled at McLaughlin to put down the gun and he did so. He was then arrested.
Sparby, devastated, kept asking himself “How, how, how could this have happened?!” All three of those boys had been students in Sparby’s elementary school, from grades K-6. He knew them well; he knew their families well.
Sparby learned that McLaughlin had always felt “left out,” and he even pretended he had friends while on the playground.
“He tried so hard to fit in, and things went from bad to worse,” Sparby said.
Sparby felt compelled to write McLaughlin letters when he was incarcerated, and one day he went to visit him.
“I promised Jason and those families that I would work hard in my life to make schools safer,” Sparby said in an interview with the Newsleader.
Now retired, still living in Cold Spring, Sparby has worked with and counseled many victims of school violence and even with children who have killed their parents. He visited people traumatically affected by school shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary in Massachusetts, Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Florida, a college in California and many other places.
In his travels, his interviews and his constant listening and observations, he learned there are some clear commonalities among children who lash out with violence at schools (and sometimes elsewhere). They tend to feel virtually “invisible” in schools, they’re socially awkward and have no friends.
“They feel as if nobody knows they’re alive,” Sparby said.
And what is most astonishing is that 90 percent of them are “mouth breathers.” They inhale and exhale from their mouths, not through their noses.
Sparby explained: When people feel constant stress, they feel a “flight or fight” response and tensing up, they breathe in and out, gulping and expelling air through their mouths. Many of those troubled children have tonsil problems. By mouth-breathing, they do not get enough oxygen.
Sparby’s counseling office in Cold Spring is called “Breathtaking.”
Amazingly enough, playing fun games with other children can alleviate so much stress in those children who feel unwanted and alone and who breathe through their mouths. Some children just do not know how to play.
For years, Sparby has gone to schools far and wide to teach teachers and students fun games to play in classrooms and playgrounds, and teachers learn how to teach breathing lessons to students.
Eight words Sparby loves to hear are these: “Jerry, I have friends on the playground now!” Those are words from students who have learned how to play, how to relax, how to connect with others.
Sparby now has two assistants who visit classrooms with him as a team – Jim Meyer, a retired fourth-grade teacher and Brian Athmann, a retired health and physical education teacher. In central Minnesota, they have visited a total of 84 classrooms so far in Sartell, St. Cloud, Richmond and Cold Spring – to name just four cities. Most classrooms, the three men have visited 17 or 18 times, and they have taught students and teachers how to play 40 games – games that are fun, non-competitive and involve camaraderie and teamwork. On the website there are 1,000 games – 250 of them created by the three men.
“We get about 40 classroom-visit requests each year,” said Sparby, and such requests come from all over the country. “We don’t charge anything, and we’re trying to raise money so we can keep expanding to where we are needed. We have already more than 400 requests for the next school year. The teachers are just incredible and so positive, and the kids thank us all the time, too.”
They also have a website – www.huddlup.org. On that website there are videos of children learning how to play happily together, learning how to relax and learning how to breathe. There are also many games on that site parents, teachers and children can learn to play. In addition, there is a place to donate on the site. Huddlup classroom programs put mental wellness front and center by promoting play, self-awareness and relationship building.
“It (student stress, rejection, loneliness, danger of violence) is an epidemic,” Sparby said. “What we do is not the only solution, but part of the solution.”
Sparby has spent 50 years in the education profession. Born in Thief River Falls, he earned a bachelor’s degree at Moorhead State University and then a master’s degree at St. Cloud State University. He has taught at SCSU, at Hamline University and at St. Mary’s University. Subjects he taught were curriculum development, classroom management and some human-relations classes. He was principal for Cold Spring Elementary for 17 years. And for 20 years, he taught almost every grade up to seventh grade.
He also does counseling and therapy at his Waite Park office and works with doctors in California one week a month.
“People often tell me I should be retired,” Sparby said. “But at age 74 I’m still doing this work because the teachers and the kids are so appreciative.”
For more about Sparby and his connective people-work, visit his website at www.jerrysparby.com.
Here are some words Sparby wrote on that website:
“Students cannot learn if they do not feel connected to their teachers or peers. They cannot grow. They cannot thrive. They cannot become their best selves unless we pay special attention to their social-emotional needs. It’s more than giving hugs and high-fives; it’s about being present and finding ways to relate to kids at their level and on their terms.”